WHY I DIDN’T WANT TO MARRY DR UMA UKPAI

Many years ago, you wrote a book titled; I have found the man. What inspired you to write the book?

As a young girl, I lived in a compound, as we call it, with so many of my uncles. My father had brought all his brothers to live in the same compound with us. And most of them were not Christians. One particular one had four wives. And another had one wife. And I saw the wrangling, the fighting between these women and their husbands. And my prayer was, “God, please, I don’t want this type of marriage.

I want a marriage where I can have my peace”. My mother usually prayed with me that whenever it’s time for me to get married, I would find a good man. So, in reality, it was like I was depending on my mother. I prayed all the time that I should have a good husband.

After I graduated, I knew the next step of my life was to get married. I decided to fast on my birthday. That was in 1975. I took a four-day fast to end on the 24th of April, which is my birthday. I was determined to make God know I was serious in getting a good husband. And for those four days, my prayer was, God, I want a good husband. I don’t want to have the type I have seen amongst my relations.
At the end of those four days, it was like the Holy Spirit persuaded me, make specific demands.

I was in a remote area of the then Bendel State for my Youth Service, a place called Ubiaja. And I thought it would be an impossibility for a man who wants to marry me to find his way to that village. So I told God, ‘you will show me the right husband approved by you by making the man to visit me on that same 24th of April, 1975. And when he comes, he should not eat in my house’. I thought that was a very difficult thing for God to do.

When I went to school, the teachers decided to celebrate me as a corp member. And one of the old men who was very good to us corpers said, ‘I will take you to where you can drink fresh milk, a ranch’. He took me and other corpers to the ranch. I forgot the prayer I prayed that day for I was so carried away by the celebration.

When we got back to the school, the gateman told me, Miss, you have a visitor, a young manwell-dressed. When I got to the staffroom, it was my present husband who was sitting there. He had just come back from America. Since I had nothing to do with him, I called him Uma, where did you come from? He explained that he had come for a meeting in Abaroto, far away from Ubiaja. You could tell he was compelled to visit those of us from UNN who were serving in Bendel State.

I was so surprised to see him. And I had had problems with the reverend sisters. So being one of our preachers in Doozey Atunsoka, I told him what had happened. I asked if we could go to my house, so that I will show them where I live. We walked just across the road to where the corpers lodge was situated. I then offered to give them something even if it was a glass of water. But he refused and said that they want nothing. Then they drove off. I wasn’t happy that they drove off without even taking a cup of water.

But as I was saying my night prayer that day, God asked me, have I answered your prayer? I said God, have answered my prayer. Father, who told you I want to marry a preacher? Of all people, oh my God. Please God, if you are joking, I don’t want this. God replied, ‘You gave me things to do and I did it. You say he should come and he came. You also said he shouldn’t eat anything’ and he didn’t eat anything. He didn’t even drink water; so what is your argument?’
I was so sad. Can you imagine that he came from Abaroto, the other end of the world, just to answer my prayer? I wasn’t expecting to marry a preacher. I wanted an engineer, a doctor, or somebody else.

My night wasn’t a happy one. But you know, God is God. Because I was complaining, God stopped talking to me. I didn’t hear a wink from God. I was so distraught. But I remember my mother had a vision of my ally in looking for a good husband. So the next day, I wrote her a letter. I said, Mama, I didn’t expect this. It’s a preacher who has come to answer my prayers for a husband. My mother didn’t say what I wanted her to say. But she didn’t say anything. Rather, she told me that I’m a young girl. I don’t know what marriage is all about. I thought my mother was against me too.

So, I decided to go and confront her in Enugu, where she had come to spend days with my sister. When I went, she said, yes, yes. If he’s a man of God and he’s from God, that’s what matters. It’s not what he’s doing or how much money he had. She said, OK, the two of us will start fasting. Of course, I said, OK. But I’m even assuming that’s my husband because he came to see me. I said, he has not proposed to me. And women don’t propose to men. My mom said, OK, let’s all start fasting. If he’s the right person, we can propose to him. I said, thank you, Jesus.

So I started fasting. A few days after, I got a letter of invitation from him. I said, Ma, I don’t think I should go. My mother said, you will go and hear him out. Has he asked you to marry him? Go and hear what he wants to tell you. So I traveled all the way from Enugu to Uyo. My cousin, Bishop Vincent Chiori was already working with him then. I went to my brother’s house and told him what happened. And I asked him, how can God tell me to marry a priest? Number two, do women propose to men? Is it not men who propose to women? He asked me, what is it in the Bible? And I couldn’t see it. I said, OK, I want to see a woman proposing to a man.

That evening, the next day, he came to look for me in my cousin’s house. I said I just want to see what he’s all about. He said, did God tell you anything? I said, yes. He said, what did God tell you? I said, God did not tell me directly. He told me what happened the day he came to my house. He said, OK. God told me three years ago that my wife was going to be arrested one day. So I told God, unless you tell her, I won’t say nothing. So after I came to your house and left, God told me He has told you.

So it was now His own tongue to make me know that He already knows. When people say God said a thing, you can’t argue for too long. That’s how the relationship started. Of course, when he said God had told him three years ago and he didn’t want to change, I said I didn’t know if that was stubborn or not. My mother also confirmed. My father used to be a very troublesome man.

I said well even if my mother accepts, my father will not accept. When I went to see my father, I told him, Papa, this is what happened. And that what bothers me is that I can see God. My father just laughed, and that was it. Then the next day, he decided to come and see me.

MY EXPERIENCES ABOUT LIFE

And then I remembered, like two years before then, somebody had come to see me. And I told her when the person left, ‘Ma my neighbor wants to marry me. He said, Marry what? And in fact, what even made me accept my mother’s acceptance was that about three years to that time, there was somebody I actually liked. He was a pharmacist. And I believe he said he wanted to marry me.

So I took him home to show to my mom. After about twenty minutes, the boy left. My mom said, You can’t marry that boy. I said, Ma, why? What did he do? She said, He won’t be a good person. I said, How do you know? She said, When that boy came, I didn’t see any sign like if somebody likes you and sees your mother for the first time, she says, Ah, mama. How are people at home? At least talk to her. And try to win her favor and her love.

I tried to make a relationship with my mother. And by the time I went for euthanasia, I discovered that that boy wasn’t meant for me. I decided that my mother was wise enough to know.
I remembered when I was trying to get married, I couldn’t understand my mother. She said, Marry him. I replied, No, I’m not marrying him. However, I saw her as the pillar that made that marriage possible. So on our 25th marriage anniversary, I wrote a book titled; Mother I have found the man.

That is because she helped me to find the right person because I was happy with the marriage. And I believe she helped me to make the right choice. That is why I directed the letter to my mother. Not that my father wasn’t involved. He was. And as any other father, he did all that he had to do so that the marriage took place. He played his part as a father.

Even when the uncles of his brothers tried to fight my present husband, he brought water for them to drink. Why, what did he bring? Fanta? Has he never seen a hot drink or some costly drinks? Why would he give them Fanta for a graduate? My father quickly fought for me. If you don’t want to accept our drinks, my door is open. You have never given her any money, so you have no right to decide what drinks she will offer you. Moreover, I know she is a Christian and will never offer you hot drinks. That was a good talk. Though I was there, I pretended not to be there. My father already loved my husband because they worked together sometime before we were married.

In your definition, who is Uma Ukpai?
Reverend Dr. Uma Ukpai is my husband. Many people know him. Honestly when I look at him and what he is doing for God, I have no doubt in my mind that God is the God of all flesh; the God of the impossibility. One of the things that made me reluctant when he approached me was the fact that he was known as a very troublesome young man in the village.

Everybody, almost everybody in the village knew. And the same zeal he used in doing things in the village or for the village is the same zeal he has put in the work of the Lord.
I have told people since I married him for the past 48 years, it’s only twice that he has not attended a meeting that he was invited to. And at one of the times I was so alarmed, I thought he would die because if you give my husband food and the Bible, he will choose the Bible at any point in his life. So he is somebody who is committed to the work of God.

He totally gave himself to the work God called him to do it. And sometimes I wonder in my mind if he isn’t tired. He actually accepted the call of the Lord upon his life and those who know him know that God has used him in ways I never expected. So he is a man called by God and God has used him and has continued to use him. People see him from different aspects but what they know him for is that he is a man of God. Just this afternoon, a man came to see me and was crying.

I asked him what was the problem. He said he has been wanting to see my husband for many years. He sees him in his dreams and he has just come to see him and has narrowly missed him. Just before he came in, my husband had left. And I closed the counseling for that day. So I had to listen to him, advise him, make him realize that God was always there for us. So in reality, many people would like to hear from daddy. There’s a woman who did not have a child for six years and the in-laws asked her to do whatever she knew how to do to make sure she gets pregnant and have children for them. If not, they would chase her out of the house.

She came to daddy crying. Daddy told her, for crying in my house, your punishment is every year, one child and that was it. And true to that speech, instead of having a child, today as I speak, she has four children and one of them has already finished his secondary school and just went into the university to read maths at DC. The next person is also in the university and the woman is just too happy.

So, I can see my husband as somebody God has used to bring consolation and peace to many homes, many families, many states and in many nations. I see him as God’s servant and God has employed him to do so many things on his behalf. You have been married for over 30 years. What does it mean to be with a man who can’t find you? He’s one of those men who likes to work. He thinks there’s no time to relax. It’s better you work, do the work God has told you to do.

Since I married him, I’ve discovered that you can be on the road doing this work of God. Mostly on weekends, even when I was teaching, on weekends, Fridays, I travel with him to different parts of the country to have concerts, indoor meetings and in different churches. I believe it was on the basis of that that God gave him that desire to conduct city-wide crusades. We started in Uyo.

We had a citywide crusade monthly. After some time, it changed to be citywide crusades in different cities: Uyo, Ikot Ekpene, Aba, Port Harcourt, Owerri, Bayelsa, etc.,this culminated in what we called Greater Lagos for Christ in 1985. I don’t know how my husband was able to organize those meetings. He was still a young man and usually drove himself all the way from Uyo to Lagos. It took him six months to plan that of Lagos. He co-opted different churches to help him convert Lagos for Christ. In all, he had 53 churches working with him.

Honestly speaking, that meeting brought unity among churches. Some confessed that they were no longer jealous of one another, fighting for members. The pastors were just too happy, not as people fighting one another, but as children of God, running the same race.
The crowd that turned out was unbelievable. My husband hired about 84 more laborers. The 3000 mass choir took almost like 15 minutes to come out to sing and 15 minutes or more to go back to their place. By the time that meeting ended, Lagos was like a prayer city. More than 23,000 plus were praying all over Lagos.

At the end of that Great Lagos crusade, one minister suggestedthat they had become united, it was better for the churches to stay and work as a body for Lagos. That’s how the PFN was birthed. They agreed that they will now work together as brothers and sisters. That was the beginning of what we now know as the PFN.
So that’s one thing I have seen and I enjoy travelling with him because it makes me see what God can do in the life of his people. Fortunately, as we are travelling, we are looking forward to celebrating his 80th birthday which will be on the 7th of January 2025. But my husband has not slowed down. We have been begging him to slow down but he still sees himself as a young man. We thank God for that and we pray that God will continue to use him.

So what about him would you like to change and why?
One of the secrets I have discovered; don’t try to change your husband, as a woman, you should not try to change your husband or wife. If any of them needs a change, it’s only God that can effect the change in the life of people. I discovered that if you try to change your husband, you will be in trouble. You can pray for anything you don’t like in himto be changed or pray for improvement in areas they are not doing well. God has the power and the know-how to change his people.

So I believe when God brings people together, he doesn’t bring them together to start changing one another, but to help one another to become what God wants them to be. There are things in my husband that he is very good at, and as a human being he has his weakness.

How did I start the Victorious Women Early Morning Prayer program, how is this program impacting?
When my husband came back from the Yongi Kippur meeting in 1985, he narrated that the women had been surprised to hear that it was an African wife who really helped her husband to build the church. One of the things that really attracted my husband or impressed him was how people turned up very early in the morning to pray. He said if you wake up in the morning, you will think there was war and people were escaping. Because buses, take people to church. Sopeople can leave their homes so early for morning prayers and before going to work.

And he told me all this, I was challenged, God, when you take us somewhere there must be something you want us to learn. God does not just take you to a place and show you something. I said, God, if women can be as prayerful as this, I would like to be as prayerful as this woman. What time do we have to wake up and pray in church and then go to work? I discovered that everything is possible with God as long as we are ready. I started with three people. From three, five, five, six. God told me one day, you see what I’ve asked you to start with. The group is called Victorious Women. We want to be like the Victorious Women in Proverbs, chapter 31. She was not just a wife.

If you read that story, it appears she was the one who ran the house. She was recognized as a good mother and a good mistress and a good wife.
So, I started with a few people and with time, we started to grow. People were coming from different churches. Now one of my problems was, since I’m teaching and working with my husband, how do I spread this vision to other women in the church?

About three years ago, I was told from Port Harcourt, a lady said she heard about the Victorious Women and God told her to start one. She started one in Port Harcourt. Now around Port Harcourt area, they have about five or four. We have not been going anywhere to start. God answered that question I asked him. And we are doing it by faith. I see this as one job that God has given me. There is nothing as wonderful as just having women around me who can ask questions and help in different ways to have good and prosperous homes.

What is your fashion sense?
When we repented in the 70s, they gave us the impression that the born-again sisters were not allowed to wear earrings, nor wear a dress that would show any part of their body. Some believed they should cover their head 247. We had so many wrong ideas. I said don’t be at the forefront of fashion or at the extreme end. No one should be at the rear end of fashion. There are people who wear short dresses, some wear what should not be called a dress. It’s more of pants.

Most of the time I have my men, they are in different colours. But I think it’s going too far. If God wanted my hair to be red, he would have painted it red. If he wanted it to be blue, he would have painted it blue. I don’t believe that I need to do that to look beautiful. I believe fashion is wearing what makes you look beautiful. I like wearing flowing dresses. And those flowing dresses must have pockets.

That’s my own fashion. I don’t like a low neck. Because when I bend, I don’t want my breast to come out. God hid it from the world. So we should help God continue to hide it. If God wanted our breasts to be seen by everyone, He would have put it over our forehead. So what God has hidden, I try and hide also. Fashion is wearing what fits you, what makes sense.

Sometimes people say wearing trousers is not good. I went to Indiana in the U.S. in November. December period for the crusade. That day, my legs almost froze. I was wearing a dress and a shoe. So the cold was seeping into my shoes. I was practically shaking. And I was tying wrapper. When youtie-wrapper, the wind can go in and keep you miserable. When I came back that day, I told my husband, he promised to buy me something to wear that is warm enough to keep me warm in the church. At that particular time, I needed something warm, not wrapper. So he went out and bought me a woolen trouser. And I felt comfortable throughout the crusade.

What do I mean by fashion? Wearing something that fits you. There are things I would wear and I will feel very uncomfortable. For me. I can’t tell somebody else not to wear it. If you are a child of God, whatever you wear will speak to you. Someone gave me a dress once, lace, beautiful, a mixture of pink. And it was awesome. When I got it, the Spirit of God told me thatI will not be able to wear that lace. Because the rules quiet big. But I said, God made this thing beautiful. I wore it to school.

When I arrived, one of our teachers, who used to be very troublesome, started laughing. I said, why are you laughing? She said, Mama, is this what you are wearing? If I wear such a dress, who will not bother? If you wear it, they are worried. How can you wear a dress like that? That is so open. They always looked up to me as I prayed throughout the day while in school. As soon as I got home, I removed my dress and never wore it again. Somebody else saw it and said, I like the colour of this dress; it is good and will fit me. I gave it to her.

Being the member of the squad, I have been looking up to God for the years we have been together. And I believe as long as we are close, we shall keep on doing this work and representing the Lord. I determined that my husband will not fail God in His ministry and that He will stand and do His work until He comes. I pray that God loves you. Are you a husband? Bring God into your relationship. Are you a wife? Let God be part of your advisor/guide. See your work as a service to God. Are we not advised to do everything as unto the Lord? Let God be at the forefront and give you the power to make the right decisions. Take the right steps.
This interview was conducted by Dr. Sam Loco Smith and was obtained from 80th Planning Committee